omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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