god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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