Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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