my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
