Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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