I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
