My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
