i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
