i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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