I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
