I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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