He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
