you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
