The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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