I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
two words...techno handjob
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
