i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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