she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
