tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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