Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
