Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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