ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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