what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
