chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
