You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
