went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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