i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You pole danced in your parka.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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