there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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