Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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