I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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