My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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