Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
