when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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