We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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