I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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