if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i may or may not be watching the land before time
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
