Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
