..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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