Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
