nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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