and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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