I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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