I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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