just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
