yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
