those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
