Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
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Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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