I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
