you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting