dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas