you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
