i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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