The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
