My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If I die, sorry about rent.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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