I'm lost and stupid without you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
