p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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