there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
