Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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